A is for Anxiety

A week ago last Saturday, I sat down for a bit after a party we hosted so we could see as many people as possible before we move. I hopped on to Twitter and saw a tweet from @moonfrye (aka Punky Brewster) and I didn’t even have to think about how to respond.

A little sentence to finish. "I'm feeling really..." loved.
We have had so many great visits with friends in the last few weeks. Maybe I’m in denial but I’m not thinking about moving away from all these people, I’m just feeling grateful to have so much love in my life.

I’m sure some of you are thinking, “Blah blah blah. She’s happy. She’s doing something bold. Whatever.” Well, hold on because I’m going to bring it back down to Earth again for a minute.

Elena based this week’s Be Enough Me prompt on that tweet from Soleil Moon Frye. And this week it’s not so easy for me to answer.

Friday was my last day of work and, despite what some people seem to think, I’m not freaking out about having walked away from my job. I’ve been leading up to this for a while and, though it hasn’t entirely hit me yet, I’m mostly just glad that I don’t have to be responsible for certain things anymore. But it turns out sitting at a desk for eight hours a day is a good distraction from other things.

I’ve written before about how I’m nervous about leaving my parents. But I’m not the only one feeling that way.

For my part, I’m acknowledging and anticipating my own angst (and hoping against hope that Connor doesn’t totally freak out when he realizes we can’t just pop up to Grandma and Grandpa’s house for a visit) while holding on to the faith that this is the right thing for us to do. A necessary thing, even. I can find that faith when I need it. I just can’t force that faith on my parents.

My mom is in the stomach-lurching, chin-wobbling phase of this process, the one that requires lots of deep breaths and some Kleenex. I know how she feels, because I read a post she wrote a couple of weeks ago about what our move means to her and had the same requirement for deep breaths and tissues. I’m worried about my dad too (for all sorts of reasons, actually) and he’s much less likely to say anything about how he feels about all this.

As for how I feel, well, I feel like I’m doing this to them. They’re talking about moving as well, which would make sense because my brother and one of my sisters live there too, but I don’t think they would necessarily choose that for themselves. It means moving out of a house they like and away from a mild climate to a frigidly cold Canadian winter. There’s a reason they moved here from there in the first place.

So my old friend anxiety has returned to watch this process unfold, bringing its sidekick insomnia with it just to make things extra fun. And I guess that’s how I’m feeling.

Pass the Kleenex.

grandparents with newborn grandchild

The first day

 

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Comments

  1. I moved far away from my family too. It was very tough to do. At first we visited every month and then over time the visits lessened to every 3 or 4 months. It’s hard but thankfully there is Skype and FaceTime to keep the relationship strong with my kids and their extended family. I wish you luck on your move and settling into your new life.

  2. I read your Mom’s post. I’m more sad for her, than for you, because I know you’ll have so much to focus on once you’re in your new place. But, she’s YOUR mom, so I know she’ll have the strength to pull through this too.

    May the anxiety pass. Truly.

  3. oh sweets. I can’t even imagine. Heck I remember moving one city away and that was traumatizing.
    You have to do what is best for you and your family. It’ll be tough on all of you…but love will hold you all closer than ever, even though your miles apart.
    Hugs

  4. Just wanted to write and say that I ‘got your back’ on this one. I moved away from my family/where I grew up (Winnipeg to Vancouver) awhile ago, and recently moved with my husband/daughter again (Vancouver to Montreal). Challenging times. Fun, fresh start, and no regrets. But yes, hard. Your relationship with your parents will change, and so will your son’s relationship with his grandparents. Eventually you’ll adjust but it might be hard for the first bit. But know that no matter how many changes happen in your life, the love you and your mom have for each other is the one thing that won’t ever change. Not ever. No distance changes that. Know that it’s okay to have anxiety or tears and that they don’t have to be permanent. And book yourselves a few trips back to visit your mom and dad so you have something to look forward to!

    PS. How awesome is that your mom has a blog?!? Cool!

  5. And I have moved on to acceptance and sorting. And please note that I have not yet posted the one about regretting a decision made 30 odd years ago, which is not a theme that results from your moving. Maybe we will settle back in here. Maybe your move will draw us back to where I belong. But now I know how my Mom felt when I so blithely headed out into the world of the West. I have always known that Connor would move on to busier times and preoccupation with friends of his own. That is why I have so cherished these times. Thank you for sharing for the last 3 1/2 years.

  6. I just recently moved 1,200 miles away from my mom with my husband and our four month old daughter and I still (six months later) wonder if I did the right thing.

    I know it was the best choice for my little family, but I miss my mom more than words can say! Some nights as I’m going to bed I wonder if it makes me a bummer of a daughter for taking her first ever grand baby away from her, and because we are so incredibly close, taking myself away from her as well.

    Luckily she was extremely supportive of our move, and we talk every day and Skype as often as we can, but there are days that I still bum out about it.

    I think that over time it will become easier, but at first it’s always difficult!

  7. Stephan Hilson says:

    I thought it must be tough to deal with moving. This reminds me of the day that I moved out of my family home. But I hope that your family would be able to cope with the moving. And maybe the Skype and video calls will help lessen the feeling from the distance.

  8. Oh that picture is breathtaking.

    I am thinking about you as you go through this huge life change.
    What a wonderful adventure.

  9. Oh jeez…why does change have to be so damn hard? That’s all I’ve got.

  10. Change is hard, no matter how big or small. I can’t imagine what you’re going through. Just know that I’m thinking of you and sending you lots of love throughout this process. xo

  11. I have learned to live in a constant state of missing someone. I went to boarding school at 17 and lived a million miles away form my parents and sister all through college and then they died, so I understand what you’re going through.

    Of course I realize that dying is different than just moving away, but you get what I mean, I hope.

    At any rate, I’m sending you lots of love and luck through this major change in your life.

  12. Amalia Hughes says:

    Crazy moments isn’t it ? Stay focused and think positive and you will go through all of this easily ! Lots of love take care !

  13. William Notherdinger says:

    The photo says 1000 words :-)

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