In the dark of his room, after much wiggling and whirring, he gets quiet. Then there’s a small voice in the darkness next to me.
“Do you know what Ryan said?”
“What?” I ask.
He is quiet for a while.
Then, “He said I was a dumb puzzle maker.”
This is not what I expected him to say.
I’m overwhelmed by so many emotions – surprise, anger, but mostly sadness. Why does this have to start so early?
He lamented shortly after starting at this new preschool last month that he didn’t have any friends. We had a good talk about that and he has overcome it and I think he feels he has some friends there now. Evidently Ryan isn’t one of them.
He has described this puzzle to me – it’s a new one, featuring crocodiles and snakes and a striped tortoise. He quite likes it.
“Why did he say that to you?” I ask, as my brain jumps ahead to an appropriately motherly response to this confession.
“Because I didn’t know where all the pieces went.”
He’s three. And he’s actually quite good at puzzles. (And here’s where I attempt to repress my inappropriately motherly comment about how apparently he’s not good enough by Ryan’s standards.)
We talk about it. Yes, it hurt his feelings. No, he didn’t say anything in response. He was nervous. It made him sad.
It makes me sad too.
Image credit: Alfonsina Blyde on Flickr
I offer suggestions about how he can deal with this type of situation. Remind him he’s good at lots of things and he can remember that even when someone else says something mean. Offer over-his-head suggestions about why people say things like that to others.
It all sounds hollow. Insufficient. A stretch.
What I really want to say is, “It breaks my heart to know that someone said something to you that made you sad. I want to protect you from that so you never have to feel that way again.”
But I can’t, so I don’t.
“Can we keep talking about this?” he asks. His voice is small.
Of course we can, I tell him.
Even though I don’t know what else to say.
Oh isn’t it heartbreaking that it starts so little? I don’t know how many times I wanted to say to my little girl “just tell him he’s dumb back!” but I refrained and tried to build her to be a strong individual who doesn’t necessarily care what others think about her. It’s paid off because now she’s a strong confident young woman who rises above the insults and knows in herself that she is good.
You’re doing the right thing even though it is so so hard. Keep it up mama!
Aw – this breaks my heart too. I hate it when you don’t know how to help them feel better. And I’m not so great at keeping my inappropriate comments to myself when I get mad about how someone is treating my child! I need to be a better example to them I guess.
Oh, poor baby. I can’t even imagine how my inner Mama Bear will want to jump out and protect him for life, if this was to happen to my son. I’m sorry he had to deal with it – but that is life, yes? I think you handled it very well.
We moved in February and my daughter (who is nine) had to start at a new school. A bigger school.
She was completely overwhelmed. And in that first week? Had her first run-in with a gaggle of bully-ish girls.
WHY does it start so young? WHY must kids pick on other kids?
I am so sorry that it happened to your little one.
So sad and the little boy probably had no awareness of the power of his words. I think that teaching children to quietly address the situation by just letting the child know that there feelings were hurt and inviting that child to join them in play is the best way to go. By quietly and calmly addressing the situation it takes the power away from the potential bully and puts it back in the hands of the potential victim. I know it seems a lot to think about for a three year old, but I really believe some of these bullying habits start at an early age.
Your poor little boy I am sorry he had to feel like that in school and I am sorry that the other child felt the need to make him feel like that.
This steams my ass.
My son went through the exact same thing in our own backyard only he was called a “fat stupid homo”…he is 3!!!
I never knew that kids would start this early with bullying. It’s really disgusting actually.
I’m glad that he trusted you with his pain and that you let him talk about it.
I hate that our kids have to deal with this at such a young age. My son was in first grade last year and had a kid that bullied him every day. The final straw was when my son broke down in tears and told us that this bully told him he was going to kill him. My husband went right in and talked to the principal and the teacher and told them that if they don’t deal with it, he would teach our son how to deal with it. We do not promote violence but we want our kids to stand up for themselves. I was bullied throughout most my child hood and I wish I had the “balls” to fight back and knock one of my bullies out, lol. The kids are at a new school this year and luckily they have a very strict no bullying policy. It’s so difficult to know that your child was hurt mentally and knowing how to tell them to deal with it!
Yes, unfortunately it starts way too early. There is a bully in my son’s preschool class. My son is told he is a slow runner
It’s ridiculous. I have complained to the teacher about this kid’s behavior and apparently other parents have to but nothing has really changed. I hate it for him.
Oh my goodness, my heart just breaks at this. It is just plain shocking how early kids can be cruel. My now 6 year old experienced a bit of this when he was in preschool, though luckily not so much since. Sigh. Sending hugs.
AW, I wouldn’t know what to say, either. I wish we could keep our kids from getting hurt.
I didn’t know what else to say to my 3yr old. Like you I was very upset. My daughter’s bully was physical. We talked about ways to respond and I was so proud she put them into effect. The other child’s parent refused to believe his kid could be doing anything and became very upset when mine put her hands out and told the child to get away from her.
A few weeks later I found out the other chikd was choking students. Shortly there after the teacher was removed and the issues smoothed out. And this is all with 3 year olds!!
This is so sad. I’m sorry he got his feelings hurt! I’m sure you wish you could give Ryan a taste of his own medicine, but look at the grace you displayed. So sweet! I think it’s nice to know he shared that with you!
That is so heartbreaking. Gut wrenching in fact. It brings out the Mama Bear. I’ll bet Ryan couldn’t do the dinosaur puzzle. Connor is so good at so many things. Even so kids say those kinds of things out of jealousy. It is such a sad comment on human nature. Kids need to learn not to be mean. And they need to learn that everyone is better at some things and others are better at others. Perhaps he could just laugh because he knows the kid is wrong. I see another list coming. Things you are really good at. (just think about how long that list is.) And then things you would like to learn.
I can relate to this situation so much, it hurts me to think about it. Just yesterday, my little man (who is 4 and in preschool) said to me that one of his “friends” said he was fat. Really? My son is the size of a Kindergartener, but he is no way fat or overweight. Even if he was, it’s so inappropriate of another child to say hurtful things to on another. It’s going to happen. The part that bothers me, my son seemed to really take it hard. I really didn’t know what to say to heal his aching heart.
What I wanted to say was ” you tell that little boy Dylan that he needs to keep his mouth shut and worry about himself”. That is lioness in me. But I console my little boy and tell him that it’ll be okay and that sometimes people are just mean and we can’t change that.
It is stuff like that that terrifies me about sending my kids to school. I’m trying use tools to teach them about being nice to other people but they will soon learn on their own that other people aren’t getting these same messages.
Oh my friend.
My heart is aching for you.
You handled it perfectly. Xo
Thanks for sharing. I think we can all relate on some level.
It is so hard to watch our children suffer from other children being mean. Sometimes the only thing we can do about it is make it a learning experience of “what not to do.” And from my experience, “what not to do” can be as big of a teacher as positive reinforcement to kids when the “what not tot do” personally effects them. How wonderful that your child still wanted to talk about it afterwards. I think that shows and genuine curiousity for “what not to do.” ((Hugs)) to mom though…. because it is SO hard to watch them struggle…
I am hurting for C & for you. But I am so proud of the way you handled it. Not to mention, you are obviously making your home a safe, open place where he is comfortable talking about what happens and is comforted by your response to his words, so much that he wants to talk about it more. I firmly believe that keeping dialogue open is one of the things that lessens the emotional impact of situations like this one. (Though of course I wish it never would have happened, the little stinker.)
I think the whole joy of puzzles is that you don’t know where all the pieces go! It wouldn’t be much of a challenge otherwise. I am proud of him because he learned how to do the whole dinosaur puzzle (and he didn’t know where all the pieces went at first). Too bad some people don’t know how to be nice. Too bad little people have to learn about this so young.
It hurts so much, doesn’t it? Hayden has been going through something similar with a boy at his school. A 4 year old bully. Sounds like you handed it well
Ugh. My heart just broke a little. With 3 year old twins, my mommy gut just went into overdrive. I’m so sorry for your little guy. Why do kids have to be so mean??
Poor little guy. I’m so sorry, Robin.
It breaks my heart when my son comes home from school and says that someone wasn’t using their friendship words. I too don’t quite know what to say to him. I mostly try to let him talk, about how it makes him feel so as to acknowledge his emotions and that yes, words can hurt. And give him big hugs.
Robin,
Unfortunately bullying is part of life for kids and many adults. It’s not fair but it’s a fact.
Bullies are the people who are the losers in life. They’ll prod and prob until they find someone that is vulnerable. If they get through to a kid they’ll be back. If they don’t get a reaction they’ll give up and move to someone else (unfortunately).
I know you can’t teach a 4 year old (almost) to be strong and to ignore a bully. But you can help him gain his self confidence by getting him involved in activities and sports. As he gains skills his self confidence will grow and he’ll be able to show bullies that they’re wasting their time. In the meantime give him a place to come to where he knows he’s loved and where he’ll be safe.
I know it hurts but Connor is a very capable little boy and with your love and guidance he’ll get through this and I know he’ll never be a bully himself.
Dad
I hate that it starts early too, hugs to you both, Mama.
How sad that kids can start saying such hurtful things at young ages. My oldest still remembers being told by a kid (and we still know the kid – he’s in her grade at elementary school) at daycare that she was “going down.” To hell. Isn’t that terrible?
I hope your boy makes more friends at school soon. It’ll get easier.
It breaks my heart when this stuff happens. It starts so early too. Far too early. I never know what to say, I just try to comfort them and repress my inner mama bear.
Kids can be so cruel. Sorry your son had to go through this. You handled it well. Great Post. Stopping by from SITS.
I am now also a Gram-Mama Bear besides still being the Mama Bear. I still rear up in protect mode when someone hurts my children. It is sad that there is such a need to play the power card by bullying. I’ve always hated it. I’ve always agreed with Thumper’s Mom, “If you can’t say something nice….”
You handled this very well. I always thanked my children for telling me and that I was sorry that was happening to them. Being the Mama is a tough job!
It breaks my heart. The reason why most bullying occurs is that kid hears it from a parent or someone with no self esteem and they them selves have been the victims of bullying from the home. If we as parents don’t teach our kids value in themselves and others we are just repeating a bad cycle. Take the kid who said those words. He probably only gets those things said to him when he’s at home. His value as a person is deminished by the fact that his father (or mother) told him in a bad negitively reinforced way when saying I don’t know to something is bad and when your son said those words he just was programmed to say it back.
To stop the negitive vibe spend some time talking to the parents to see how they act around the kid in question. Talk to the daycare MGT and see of they can talk to the teacher to be more aware of that kids behavior for a week or so to see if it was a one time deal or if he’s effecting other kids. Have them do an hr of what a bully is and what to do if one is bothering them.
Most parents know their kids are affected by Bullying however the same actions one would take to have the kid eat something different because of an allergy.
I just spent the last 20 minutes reading through many of your blog posts. What a beautiful blog you have. I am so sorry about your nephew too. How hard that must have been to be so far away and feel so helpless. He was such a handsome young man. This post made me sad. It is always so hard to see your own children hurt but you did a great job talking with your son:-) Things like this often turn into great learning lessons. Visiting from SITS and thanks for stopping by our blog too!!!
Poor little buddy… why do people/children have to be so cruel and he’s 3! I mean, already? Geez. Sounds like you handled it very well.
Oh, poor little guy! This is a heartbreaking story. I think you handled it very well. I am so sorry he had to go through those emotions.
It breaks my heart when kids are mean to other kids. Their sweet little hearts shouldn’t have to deal with mean people at such a young age.
I remember having that same feeling – Why does it have to start so soon? Can’t he hold onto his innocence and his unconditional love of everyone he meets just a little longer? Sounds like you’re handling it well, and as long as lines of communication stay open we’ll do okay with our boys. Bullies – arg!