depression - Farewell Stranger

Breaking Radio Silence

May 28, 2013 By Robin 12 Comments

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while (or have spent any time browsing the archives) you’ll be well aware that I used to bare my soul on here on a daily basis. Desperate times call for desperate measures, as they say, and my desperation used to lead me to sharing just how awful I was feeling with anyone who chose to read about it.

It used to be easier to do that.

I’ve had some rough days lately and part of me wanted to just stay silent and pretend that everything was hunky dory. Maybe that’s because I don’t want to admit that I can’t prevent bad days with baby #2 just by sheer force of will. (Okay, that’s a big part of it.) But it’s also partly because I don’t really want to get into it. I don’t want my mother worrying that she’s going to have to talk me off the ledge again. I don’t want to appear vulnerable.

Feeling vulnerable sucks.

But feeling like I’m not being true to myself sucks as well. I know – I don’t have to share anything here if I don’t want to. But this blog is part of my path through this whole experience so I’m okay with sharing things here.

The good news is that the last couple of days have been better. The extra good news is that I haven’t had any more conversations with the steam cleaner. (I would, however, like to point out that my husband mistook the steam cleaner for Connor the other night too. He didn’t actually talk to the steam cleaner, so he maintains he’s clearly more sane than I, but I’m not convinced. I think he’s just less inclined to talk to inanimate objects in the middle of the night.)

In any case, I hate feeling like I spilled my guts and then went radio silent. So here’s a picture of some old-fashioned toffee tins.

Pretty, don’t you think?

Conversations with the Steam Cleaner

May 24, 2013 By Robin 11 Comments

Last night I decided to be a big girl and take the new medication I was nervous about taking (one reason being that it has a sedating effect so I wasn’t sure how the night wakings were going to go). The first time I got up I felt drunk, exactly as if I’d had a little too much to drink. I’m not a big fan of that, but I’m hoping it either goes away or Ethan sleeps long enough that I sleep through that phase.

Around 3:30 I came back into our room after feeding Ethan. Then Rich got up to blow his nose and I had a lovely conversation with the steam cleaner thinking it was Connor.

“Hi buddy. What’s wrong?”

The steam cleaner/Connor didn’t answer.

“Are you okay?”

Still no answer.

I sat in bed trying to remember what colour t-shirt Connor had on when he went to bed. I was sure it was a dark one.

“Connor, love? Are you there?”

Connor the Steam Cleaner was silent.

At that point Rich came out of the bathroom.

“What’s that?” I asked him. “Is that Connor?”

“No, that was me blowing my nose.”

Apparently he’s not terribly good at following along with insane conversations in the middle of the night.

“No, that. In the corner. Is that Connor?”

Rich did an impression of a dog chasing his tail as he turned around and around to see what the hell I was talking about.

“What?! Who’s there?!”

Understanding dawned.

“That thing in the corner? That’s the steam cleaner,” he explained.

“Oh. I thought it was Connor.”

“You scared the crap out of me.”

I shrugged and went back to my drunken sleep. At least we didn’t have another kid to put back to bed.

PS Don’t ask why we have a steam cleaner camped out in the corner of our bedroom.

PPS He was wearing a light-coloured t-shirt.

Filed Under: Conversations with Connor, Hard things Tagged With: depression, meds

Blip

May 23, 2013 By Robin 17 Comments

You know how sometimes you talk to your psychiatrist about developing a plan to wean off your anti-depressants but then you find yourself making another appointment to talk about how that’s not a good idea? And it’s because you’re getting mad at stupid things too often and you find yourself crying over silly things enough that you’re developing an intimate relationship with soggy Kleenex? When that happens, instead of a plan to decrease your dosage you come out with a prescription for a new medication to add on top of your existing anti-depressant.

Or at least that’s what happened to me.

I am…disheartened about this. I’m also terrified to start a new medication (and, admittedly, a bit stubborn because I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO) so I’ve had it for two days and haven’t managed to actually take it yet. Maybe tonight.

I don’t really know what else to say about this yet, but I wrote a post on my Yummy Mummy Club blog that was meant to be poignant but ended up just being sad, so I feel like I need to put this out there.

Sometimes there are just too many tears at bedtime. (And other times too. But hopefully not for long.)

Filed Under: Hard things Tagged With: admissions, depression, meds, meltdown

Farewell to 2012 in Photos: Link-up

December 27, 2012 By Robin 33 Comments

We had a great Christmas but I’m glad it’s over, you know? I’m ready to plug away on the stuff I want to work on instead of being consumed by the madness of a deadline most other people are working towards as well.

But before I get too deep into new projects it’s time to look back.

I love this time of year for all the lists of top moments, big news stories and all that wrap-up-the-year stuff. So why not do our own? I did this photo retrospective last year and it was a great exercise in looking at just how much had happened in a year.

Having put together this post for this year, I can say I think 2012 was equally full of unexpected stuff. We had a baby, my brother and sister-in-law had twins, and my parents actually moved out here. I didn’t do as much adventuring or travelling as I had hoped, but we were blessed with so much other good stuff instead. Hard and sad stuff, too, but we’ve got what we need to get through it.

Want to join me for your own year in review? Pick one picture for each month of the year (or do a photo dump – whatever you like!). Then grab the button (code is in the right sidebar), post, and link up with me to say farewell to 2012 in photos.

The link-up will be live from December 28 through January 4. On January 5, one linker will be randomly chosen to receive a package from Little Love Media that includes a blog evaluation report and a blog strategy. (Thanks again, Alison!)

Let’s do this.

January

In January we had just moved to Calgary and we were embracing winter. I had chosen “vibrant” as my one word for 2012 and I wanted to really get out and enjoy our new city and all it offers. We went skiing and skating, and the picture above was at the Lake Louise Ice Festival. Awesome month (that also included the beginning of something else awesome, but more about that when we get to October).

February

In February we were settling in, and quite well overall, but we were starting to really miss having my parents close by and Connor really missed Grandma.

March

March was mostly just March. Except that at the end of the month we lost Michael.

April

April was about motherhood. It was quiet moments and acceptance and Very Serious Conversations.

May

In May I was pregnant. ALL THE TIME. (And perhaps a bit obsessed about certain aspects of it.) To distract myself from the constant morning sickness I started thinking about names and came across this gem from when I was pregnant with Connor.

June

In June I still wasn’t feeling quite right. I was struggling with depression and sad after we found out we weren’t having a girl. But Connor turned four, and watching him turn into a little person in a way he really hadn’t been before was pretty cool.

July

In July I was still working on finding my way, but I think the best drama of the month resulted in this.

(I got the ring fixed, by the way.)

August

In August I was still thoroughly in pregnancy hell. It was hot, I was tired, and I had just had enough. But that was the month something clicked for me with Connor. It had been a long time coming, and it’s something I still remember. (I don’t always achieve the motherhood equivalent of Zen, but my awareness is there and that’s huge.)

September

September was all about getting ready to have a baby. I started mat leave in the middle of the month, we finished Ethan’s nursery and I spent some time thinking about (and preparing for) giving birth. And good thing, too…

October

…because in October this beautiful boy came into the world.

And it was good.

November

In November I was tired. But I spent a lot of time cuddling a baby, and it was good.

December

And that brings us to the end of another year. December has been a good month, and different in a good way from the rest of the year. I feel like I enjoyed things more and took time to appreciate the goodness and opportunity around me. A nice feeling to take with me into the next year, don’t you think?

What was 2012 about for you?

Filed Under: Photos Tagged With: depression, family, gratitude, living life, moments, photos

Dishes

September 19, 2012 By Robin 20 Comments

Mundane is normal. Normal is good.

It’s the normal things I stop doing when things aren’t going well. The dishes languish, rinsed but not clean. The clutter in the house adds to the clutter in my mind.

I like puttering. It gives me a chance to think and to reflect and to feel in control. But none of those things is appealing when things aren’t going well. I don’t want to think and so I leave the dishes, my sullied thoughts glomming onto the detritus of dinner.

Lately my dishes are clean.

Clean dishes are normal. And normal is good.

As you may have noticed from my recent silence here, my writing isn’t coming together much lately. Or maybe it’s that I’m choosing to play and to sleep instead of choosing to write. In any case, I got a bit stuck. So when Velvet Verbosity suggested I try the 100 word challenge, I scoffed. “I don’t have time to write 100 words,” I told her (with a nod to Mark Twain). And then I decided it was worth a shot. And this is what came out in response to the current prompt – Doing the dishes.

I’ve also got a (previously written) post up on Just.Be.Enough today. Do you feel bad about feeding your kids McDonald’s? Join me in my McShame.

Filed Under: Happy things Tagged With: depression, gratitude, hope, perspective