Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

There’s a bit of a movement happening in the blogosphere. Jess from Makeunder My Life wrote a post called Things I’m Afraid To Tell You. Ez of Creature Comforts took the idea and ran with it (including designing the image you see below), and the Huffington Post thought it was such a good idea they published a piece about it.

Now Lisa from joycreation is keeping it alive.

I love this idea, because I think one of the most valuable things bloggers offer is a peek inside someone else’s head. We tell you things we might otherwise never voice, and in doing so make others feel less alone. That’s what some bloggers have done for me and what I hope to do for others.

I know, you’re probably wondering what on Earth I’m afraid to tell you, especially after recent posts about how I’m sad about not having a girl and my recurring slide into depression. But there are things. Probably lots of things. Many more things than you’ll find in this post, not because I don’t want to share them but because I honestly thing some of them are buried so deep even I don’t know they’re there. But I do have some things on my mind lately that I’m afraid to say out loud because they’re hard and they’re not the things I like most about myself. So I’ve joined up with Lisa and some other bloggers who want to share their things as well for this edition of Things I’m Afraid to Tell You.

Here’s my list.

***

I’m not sure if moving was the right decision. I’m not sure it was the wrong decision, but so far we haven’t accomplished what we set out to accomplish, which is avoiding me working all the time and wanting to throw myself in front of a truck.

***

I’m getting more introverted as I get older, and I’m starting to like people less and less. I’m accepting them more, but liking them less. We’ve lived here for 6 months and I really don’t care at this point whether I make new friends. I have no desire to go out and chat and get to know people. I just want to come home and see my family and walk my dog and write.

***

The above-referenced post about depression was really hard to publish. I have posted a ton of really personal stuff on this blog in the last year and a half, but it’s getting harder to admit when I’m not doing okay. I thought I had moved past that and figured out what it all meant. I haven’t.

***

I fear I won’t be any better of a mother the second time around. I read a beautiful post by Angie from The Little Mumma about her four-week-old daughter. It included a piece that caused a bit of a revelation for me:

“People ask me if she is a good baby. I say she is a dream. She doesn’t sleep through the night, she prefers to be held, she upchucks regularly. But still, I’m not lying. To me, she is a dream. A newborn dream. Feeding regularly (feels like constantly!), wanting closeness to Mumma, crying when she needs something. To me, these are normal, newborn things and I try not to buy into the idea of what she should be doing.”

Well there you go. If that isn’t the secret to new motherhood, I don’t know what is. The thing is, my revelation lasted about four seconds and deep down I question whether I have any ability whatsoever to remember that this is what life is about for a newborn and not wish it were different.

Despite all I’ve gone through in the last four years, despite all my learning – both the usual way and the incredibly hard way – I’m not sure I’ve learned this lesson. And I question whether I will stay sane this time, and I wonder if perhaps I’m already doing wrong by this beautiful baby we’ve chosen to bring into the world.

And those are the things I’m afraid to tell you.

Things I'm Afraid To Tell You

If you’re a blogger and wish to join in, please do. We’d love to have you. The link-up below is open until Tuesday, June 19.

Please click around and visit those who have chosen to share. I know they’d appreciate the support.




 

Comments

  1. Oh Robin. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.

    You are strong (even when you don’t feel it). We all go through seasons, and maybe this is your season to be quiet, stay close to home with your family and write – that is okay. In the last 6 months you have gone through a lot of big things, and experienced loss and change. That isn’t easy.

    Thank you for baring your soul, and sharing these things. I clicked back to your post about depression and was touched again by your words.

  2. What a great idea. I’ve just finished Brene Brown’s book on shame and so much of the shame we feel could be lessened by knowing that there are other people out there who feel just like we do – normalising the thoughts we feel. I think bloggers do that and I wish, when I had my first child 10 years ago, that blogging was so prevalent than it is now. Blogs like yours help people feel less alone.

    • I love Brene’s books. Literally changed my life.

      Robin, I felt the same way when I was pregnant with No2 last year. I hoped and hoped and hoped that this would be my chance for redemption. That *this* time would be different. It has been in a way, but I have relapsed again, too. And the thing that I’ve noticed is that my journey with this baby (now six months) doesn’t need to be better or worse than (or even compared with) with the first. I’m just trying to survive and hold on to any hope I can find.

      I think that’s all you can do. Because no matter what happens, you will be an amazing mom to the new baby. Remember, your kids don’t need you to be some version of a “perfect mom” by someone else’s standards. They just want you.

  3. Hugs, my friend. Thank you for sharing this. You are brave. So brave. (and I completely agree with Angie’s words you quoted there – I couldn’t have said it better myself)

  4. I want to hug you as well. I think that I will talk about my story today, thanks to you guys! Beyond Postpartum touched me where I was in tears. I felt like part of her story was my story.

    You have NO idea how it feels to know I am not alone. I honestly felt, odd. I knew people had PPD, or suicidal or wanting to harm the baby, but I thought mine was odd. I didn’t want to harm her. I wanted nobody to touch her. Thanks for inspiring me.

  5. Robin, my love, I don’t think there’s a single thing wrong with you. And if with your second, you still don’t love the newborn phase? Well that’s perfectly okay. It’s hard and it’s unforgiving and not everyone has to like it, just like not everyone has to like being pregnant. It’s not a fault. And you’re still going to love your little boy, just like you love C, even if you don’t love nursing constantly or being touched all the time. You are a GOOD MOM and an amazing human. I’m so glad to know you.

  6. All those things you’re afraid of? They’re okay. And they’re real. And more people have those feelings that admit it. This parenting thing–this living thing–is really effing hard.

    You’re doing a great job at both.

  7. Can I just republish your list? It pretty much sums up my life too. Except that I decided NOT to move and haven’t accomplished anything that I said I would if I stayed.

  8. This trend of deep honesty is beautiful and life-changing for so many of us women. Thank you for being so transparent and, like Lisa said above, normalizing the thoughts that many of us have.

  9. Emma’s 2 months old and I still wonder if I’ve done right by Joshua and by her. And that’s a big, tough thing to admit. I mean, yes, I’ve done right by having her and I cannot imagine NOT having her now that she’s here. I think I’ve come to the revelation, through this link-up actually, that I’m just not very good with early infancy and I’m giving myself permission to be okay with that. If you need that same permission, consider it granted.

  10. This kind of slice of raw and real is the most important kind, isn’t it?

    I love this idea, and what you shared.

    Thank you.

    (truly)

  11. To be quoted by one of my favourite bloggers? Such an honour. Thank you, you lovely creature.

    Someone else mentioned you don’t have to like the newborn stage. SO true. I just happen to be one of those that really do. That’s just me. And it’s only when I listen to what other people expect of me or my daughter that the joy becomes diminished. I certainly never want anyone else to feel diminished because they experience a thing differently than I.

    And can I say, my particular joy this time around is in no small part due to the fact that this baby is a girl. I can’t express how monumental that has been for me. I have not read your post about gender disappointment but you may recall I had my own struggle when discovering my second baby was another boy. It gets better, I promise.

    Your journey with this new baby may follow a similar path as the first but then again, it might be completely different. Who knows how this little boy is going to change up your life, what magic he has to impart? I don’t believe for one second that you are or will fail him. He chose YOU for a reason. I believe that.

    And what a choice he has made. This was a brave and beautiful post. Just like you, Robin. xxx

  12. Love this. So love the idea of allowing your next experience to be “a dream” by having no expectations, too. Peace!

  13. I love this link up idea… and I love your honesty. This type of sharing is the best part of blogging.

    (And about the getting older and wanting less to make friends… I hear you and struggle with this too which is so ironic b/c I’m such an extrovert and friendly person. But the part of me that is a depressive fights with the friendly part and I end up actually having very few local friends. It’s also a sign of being a busy mom with a busy online life.)

  14. Robin, thanks so much for saying yes, when I asked you, and also for inviting more bloggers to join this round of TIATTY! I loved reading your post, and can relate to what you’re talking about. I too feel l like my introversion has increased over the passed years. I need so much time to myself! Also, I’m always afraid of not making a good mother (I don’t have any children yet, but that’s one of the many fears that has been holding me back). I love the quote by The Little Mumma — such a good reminder! Thanks again for helping me organize this, and for your courage to share!

  15. Robin – much love to you. Hang in there. I love your honesty here, but I’m sure it was hard to write too. I’m thinking of you. Hug.

  16. Thanks for this little exercise. It was both cathartic and fun for me … depending on which number you were reading. :)

    Anyway, I had a little trouble linking up. Ultimately, my submission is #32. For whatever reason, I could only get the short link to work. So, I’m anonymous … but unintentionally. Also, you can delete #31. I don’t know WHAT happened there but it’s mine, it links to nothing and I couldn’t get it to delete.

    I promise I’m not normally this dumb.

    Actually, that’s a lie … and it should have probably made my list. :)

  17. Help! Where did my link go? I was one of the last ones (right before Erin) but now I’m gone. Was it something I said? Did you not like the cheese dip I brought to the party? Or maybe that obnoxious girl who came with me? :)

    Anyway, just wondering what happened. ‘Cause I really like this one and didn’t want to be left out. Thanks!

    • I didn’t even get any of the cheese dip! ;)

      I don’t know what happened. Your link originally came through about 6 times (which you had alerted me to) so I suspect that in my effort to fix that and leave just the one that worked I deleted them all. Because I’m dumb like that. In any case, I added you back in! Glad you caught that.

  18. Real fears. Real you. I love this and appreciate you opening yourself up like this. Sending you so much love. xoxo

Trackbacks

  1. [...] linking up with Farewell Stranger (whose blog layout and design I covet, by the way) today to be a part of a movement called Things [...]

  2. Things I’m Afraid To Tell You « Earth to Teala says:

    [...] from joycreation and Robin from Farewell Stranger are on deck to keep it [...]

  3. [...] want to thank Robin, AddyeB, Jenny, Yuz, and Lindsay for inspiring me to link up, and to my readers for always being so [...]

  4. [...] friend, Lindsey from With a Little Love and Luck, was participating in a link-up called ‘Things I’m Afraid to Tell You,’ I decided to give it a try, [...]

  5. [...] Robin Farr of Farewell, Stranger and Tracie Nall of From Tracie wrote posts entitled Things I’m Afraid To Tell You (hashtag [...]

  6. [...] 2, 2012 By RobinI know, you’re thinking, “What do I not know, especially after the Things I’m Afraid To Tell You post?”Well, you’re going to have to visit me at Just.Be.Enough today to find out. [...]

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