I firmly believe people won’t quit something or start something or stick to something (like quitting a bad habit or starting a new one) if they’re not ready to do it. And that’s about the only thing I’ve got right now that’s firm.
The other day I saw a picture of myself with Connor on his first birthday, when I was about 30 pounds lighter than I am right now. And a day or so later I looked in the mirror and sucked in my tummy and thought, “If I really suck it in it’s not too bad.” And then we went away for a few days and I got some perspective and decided that being in a state of not-too-bad-but-only-when-my-tummy-is-sucked-in is not okay.
I was happy with my body before Connor was born. I had a small crisis when he was about three months old and I had to buy some in-between clothes and I almost cried because I thought I was going to feel flabby forever. But thanks to a baby who needed a lot of bouncing and a very active maternity leave I did lose the weight and a few extra pounds to boot. But when I started antidepressants some of that flab came back and hasn’t left.
I didn’t actually get weighed regularly when I was pregnant with Ethan, but my best guess based on what I think I weighed before is that I gained about eight pounds. And I’m now about two pounds below what I weighed when he was born.
Are you feeling disheartened yet? Because I am.
I’m just sick of it. I’m sick of stuffing my face with crap because I’m bored or tired or just plain old in the habit of eating badly. I don’t want to have to hang my jeans to dry so I don’t have to hold my breath for the first couple of hours of wearing them after they come out of the dryer. And I didn’t want to have to buy shorts in a size larger than what I’ve been wearing recently, but that’s what I had to do. It doesn’t matter that they’re pink and summery and we finally have weather that requires shorts. I just don’t want to see that extra flab in the mirror anymore. And now I’m finally ready to do something about it.
So I solemnly swear that I quit. For the next month I’m going to cut out all the stuff I’ve been eating because I think it will make me feel better. No Coke, no chocolate, no ice cream. Bye bye Blizzards. Farewell fries. I’m going to keep up with the exercise I’ve been doing and try to add more, but my eating habits really need to go back to where they were.
I’ve got five months until Ethan turns one. I may not get back to where I was on my first child’s first birthday, but I’d like to at least feel better about myself when I see the pictures.
PS I’d like to offer a shout-out to Miranda from Not Super… Just Mom whose State of the Weight Wednesday series has contributed to my resolve.